The New Cold War is Cold-Blooded: Mass Hysteria and Sex Lizards in Space

Anastasia Little recently competed her M.A. in Russian & Slavic Studies at NYU.

Oh little Foton, flying high 

With made-in-Moscow beep, 

You tell the world it’s a sex lizard sky 

and Uncle Sam’s asleep.

We are on the verge of a new era. The world’s first Earth-orbiting sex lizard satellite has been launched by the Russians – and they’ve already lost all contact with it.

On Thursday, July 24, a day which will surely be remembered in history as “Sex Lizard Night,” the Russians informed the unsuspecting and stunned international community that they had lost contact with research satellite Foton-M. Indeed, the community had not even realized that such a satellite was possible or that the Russians had launched it on July 19 of the Year of Our Lord 2014. The ethical question of sending live animals into space aside, the Russians managed to lose contact with these animals after only five days!

Shortly after scientists admitted to losing contact with Foton-M, mass hysteria broke out. And rightly so. While contact with Foton-M was supposedly restored on Saturday according to RIA Novosti (although how do we know they aren’t lying about that too!) the damage had already been done. How can we as Americans go back to our former way of life after the news that this satellite exists in our sky above our heads at this very moment? As we thrash around for answers, there are Russian lizards having sex with each other in America’s backyard: space. Truly this marks a watershed moment in Russian-American relations. This watershed moment has allowed two phrases to enter the American lexicon as a way to define our times: “pre-space sex lizards” and “post-space sex lizards”. The world will forever be different as neo-Cold War attitudes are uncontestably reaching a boiling point!

While the US government cannot prove that the Putin administration was directly connected with the downing of MH17, we can definitely prove that they are directly connected with lizard sex satellites! How can the Russians be more technologically advanced than us? The sky has become alien to us. We don’t even have a space shuttle program. Russians are practically already calling their sex lizard satellite one of the world’s greatest propaganda-as well as scientific-achievements! What other achievements are they working on? What other kinds of secrets have they been keeping? They have the technological capability to send lizards into space to engage in biological reproduction. Do they have the technology to manufacture nuclear sex lizards? What if they lose contact with those too? 

A former NASA employee, who lost his job as the US government has drastically and systematically been defunding science education programs, saw Foton-M over the weekend. I believe he speaks for all of us who watched the lizard sex satellite light up the night sky when he says the following:

“I saw the beautiful little orb, moving sublimely across the Milky Way. I stared at it no less transfixed than if it had been God Himself in a golden chariot riding across the celestial sphere. It circled with what seemed to me unstoppable and perilous determination, as if there were no authority in the cosmos that could stop it. I had always thought to myself that everything important that has ever happened always happens elsewhere. But I saw Foton-M with my own two eyes while sitting in my backyard in the new state of Silicon Valley, California. I was astonished. Later, I sat in my garage picking up its signals with an iPhone app. How I wish we could somehow talk to the lizards. How is there not an app for that? The global community deserves to know how many sex lizards are having sex in space at any given time.”

But this satellite is clearly only the tip of the iceberg. How much have the Russians infiltrated our own society? Are there so-called “lizard enthusiasts” living among us? What if there are “lizard enthusiasts” in our own government, passing lizard sex secrets to the Russians! If we don’t stop this now, we could end up living in some kind of Lizard Sex Collective! We cannot let this happen! We are on to you, Edward Snowden!  We will not let the “Reptile Menace” conquer the world!

Furthermore, we have a moral obligation as Americans and Christians to protect our children from sex lizards. It goes against all natural, God-given laws for lizards to have sex in space! What is this teaching our children about sexual morality? These lizards have already been called “sexually experimental”. Are these lizards even married? We already know that lizards have been poisoned by feminist views. God forbid these lizards exhibit any kind of homosexual tendencies! I am outraged that Putin would send such a message to the world’s children after everything! Clearly, this is a result of their ideology, an ideology that threatens our God-given democracy and ethical sensitivities! Meanwhile, President Barack Hussein “Sitting Duck” Obama has done nothing to put a stop to interstellar reptilian fornication, which is a threat to our way of life. He hasn’t done anything to stop Putin or prevent Russian sex lizards from raining down on us like some kind of Old Testament plague!

What is to be done?

Aside from reconstructing our fallout shelters, the best thing we can do is begin the aggressive refunding of our educational institutions so that our children are not deterred by propaganda! Apart from Duck-and-Cover drills, if this is truly the Cold War born anew, then of course we’ll have to pour money into invigorating our math and science programs. Russian and Slavic Studies will suddenly be of interest – why, we’ll have a renaissance! Let the government coffers open wide!  Surely buckets of money will be poured into Title VI programs! Universities will be practically bathing in money! Grants here, grants there, why look at all these grants! We’ll be able to fund history, political science — really what won’t students be able to study and not just in our higher institutions of learning! No, we’ll have to really pay attention to all of our schools at every level otherwise our children will be led astray!

And loans too – why, we’ll have to make sure that our students don’t get into crippling debt while they’re working hard to protect the American way of life. We’ll have to introduce more loan forgiveness programs. Maybe, just maybe, with all of our fancy education money people will be able to go to school without incurring loans? I’m almost getting ahead of myself here.

After the events of this past weekend we are eagerly awaiting the issuing of the New National Defense Education Act (NNDEA). Surely as thousands of us sat watching the sex lizard satellite float over our houses, a draft was feverishly being written by our goodhearted congressmen. Surely, they spent the weekend in their humid DC offices writing to preserve democracy through education. So as we enter the Sex Lizard Space Race, we eagerly await the educational reforms that are sure to come.

We welcome our new post-space sex lizard reality.